What Science and Psychology Tell Us About How We Should Connect in 2018

When Facebook announced that it would be creating a messenger app that is ad-free and caters to the 13-and-under set, my first reaction was What took you so long? Then, and this is a not a nice thing, but its the truth, I thought: Who the f*&*) cares? We dont need another way to create a social media bubble where kids can exist in a supposedly safe environment.

We need to connect with each other.You may think that companies taking steps to monitor or safeguard childrens use of social media is a good thing. But for me, it will never be enough.

These protected environments have a huge cost separation, anxiety, loneliness, anger, missed opportunities to listen to each others stories and ideas. In the wise words of documentarian Ken Burns, Its all one story. It always has been.

The lines of connection have been there. Its up to you to find them. The way I see it, the looming crisis for most of us is that we havent found a way to cross-pollinate, reverse-mentor or make unique connections on a regular basis.

Maybe we dont trust each other enough to say yes to those opportunities. We clearly need more human trust and there is no app for that. The highest performing teams according to a recent Harvard Business Review article, are the ones where trust is embedded.

What will you do in 2018 to trust your teens or young adults? What will you do to let down your guard and say, Teach me. Talk to me.

Laugh with me? There are answers, we just arent looking hard enough.Yesterday my Mom, who is 77, gave my Dad a birthday card that read, I have been sending you text messages through the garage door opener.

Did you get them? It was a self-deprecating poke at her own lack of technological skills and I admire her ability to laugh at herself. Then I had drinks with a friend who recently turned 50 and she said she was enjoying her new job, in part because she was learning so much from the kids in her office.

In both examples, there is a level of inherent trust and openness that is 180-degrees from what Facebooks new app or Amazons new monitoring devices say they provide for parents. Do we really need more safe spaces online? Or do we just need good friends and good parents, less apathy and avoidance, so that we understand each other in real time.

To find new ways to connect is one of our most pressing needs right now. Tell your kids things they never thought they would hear from you. Show them you are up on the news and the latest technology.

I was recently inspired by Yuyi Morales, an author and illustrator whose latest book is, Rudas, about a little boy who has to fight a lot of fears. He is able to conquer the rude ones or the symbolic, mysterious, scary characters from Mexican popular culture through play. Except for his sisters.

They are real and cannot be defeated through play. Rudas reminds me of whats happening when we as parents try to fight the influence social media has on our kids. Often we think weve successfully tamed the beast technology.

No. It is people, and how we communicate (or fail to) that is proving to be the real beast. The idea that technology is not the enemy is both fascinating and frightening to me.

Martha Beck has written that when fear and fascination overlap, as I think they do in the case of our childrens use of social media, we tend to dither. We approach the issue with ambivelance, Beck writes. She advises that You can break through this kind of ambivalence, embracing experiences that alarm you even as they deeply appeal.

I couldnt help but quote her here, even if she wasnt specifically talking tech. Her words are spot on. After a year like this one, Im mentally prepared in 2018 to fight what scares me mostmisunderstandings and missed opportunities to empathize and connect.

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